Process of Purgatory

For the first time, I thought to share my "internal turmoil" with some people, to know their perspective, how they see this peculiar symptom of mine. Earlier, in such a scenario, I would rather push myself into a cocoon waiting till eternity for this feeling of not-feeling-well to be erased from my subconscious on its own. However, according to the new-found impulse to release and reflect, disseminate and deconstruct, I had spoken to them all _ friends and fellow beings, teachers and old flames, loner & happily married woman, more people than I desired, seeking solution to unbutton the secrecy of this paranoia once and for all. They had their interpretations to my occasional silence and cynicism. If somebody advised me to turn to music to escape this common disillusion, another somebody tried to "provoke" me with a new woman in my life, and another somebody offered her best to internalise her therapy of connect-spark- deeper talk- good sex-and-solitude. I was confused to find myself an eternal loner, egoist and pessimistic individual with absolutely no vision. I tried to negotiate my best with the help of a pen and a paper this time. Yet I could not understand why I have to face this periodic depression, let alone find any answer to some fundamental questions hitting me really hard. The lure of not following the expected line had transported me many many miles in a day or two, surprisingly not pushing me for any divine help. But I didn't stop talking, to myself and with the other, till I get some solace and feel some love for myself and the way I am.

The Present : The "internal turmoil" is a reflection of routine monotony. The only solace is probably to take a middle path, neither to indulge and nor to resist. Let's not be a rebel on an impulse and not take anything to an extreme. If you doubt everything, you have to doubt your own doubt and subsequently, your very basis of doubting collapses. So, it is better to compromise which is good and honourable instead of taking any polarised position. In fact, we all are tuned to look at the Himalayas at some point in our life, a la The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost. So, better to be multipolar (multi-centred), find something which can be nurtured for a long period of time, which is deeply fulfilling and can act as another (re)source for self-sustainance.

The Future : If this turmoil is visiting quite often, it is probably because you are entering into a "structured unknown zone" (marriage) which is why it is subconsciously disturbing you. Man, the 'self' will always have some 'self-intrest' (selfishness). The complimentary collaboration of the twin self-interest is where lies the beauty of the arranged marriage. The human being is conditioned to be dependent in some form or the other and that's why you need the other. So, "I can suffice" is only a rhetoric and not a reality. Traditional structure (read arranged marriage) give enough space to understand eachother and are thus relatively successful, but in the process add to some anxiety. But it is the process of growing-up.

The Past : When you feel like not having gotten enough attention...this is because the need to be needed is very deep, and hence the feeling of resignation/cynicism. But what one can do. You choose your food, but you don't choose your hunger. It comes within your system, as a compulsion. Say, I still revolt in my subconscious against being sent to a boarding school. I can't erase it completely. No eraser is ever complete. There will be always the return of the repressed and you have to face it.

On Woman : In our agrarian soociety, both land and woman are glorified for they offer fertility. But, there is no need to idealise or demonise her. We have to coexist to survive. In the process, you will take some false steps, there will be lapses from the both sides. But slowly and certainly, both of you will learn when either of yours' mood is off!!

On Occasional Illness : This is like the body system flushing itself. The body heals itself, medicine is a facilitator.

It is time I stopped showing my bum!!!